One of the hardest challenges of my life is the continuation of self judgement I have of myself. I want to do my absolute best at everything I do. I want to give everything I have to everything I am a part of.
When I read over my blog posts when they come out I find typos all the time. I bet you also find my typos. Where I once gave myself a hard time about that I have come to just accept that I am not trying to be perfect. I write as much for me as I do for you all. I often write in the mornings and I often write a lot at one sitting. Writing this blog is important to me. I know it is here. When I write, my words and letters jumble because my thoughts come out quickly, I save it, and move on to the next post.. Which is what I will do when I finish this post (though I will also likely make another cup of coffee this morning because it is raining). I generally write what I think I need to hear and I am almost always excited when I've written something pretty juicy for myself. (I love my insect posts the most) I generally schedule my blog posts weeks in advance today's is an exception. You should see my system for how I do it. So, because of my process I no longer judge the typo's - I'm human and I like that I make mistakes - if I am learning from them..
So, self judging.. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life thus far and I have judged myself through them all thinking there is something wrong with me - I gotta do my work, be better.. Someone who was once dear to me said, 'I know you're a strong woman and you will do your work.' All I could think was what work?? Why is it always work? Why can't it ever just be enough? And, I judged myself for not agreeing and for being too lazy to do the work..
I have done things in relationships with people I wish I wouldn't have. I have entered a lot of relationships I wish I would not have. I have judged myself through it all. I have compromised when the compromise really did not serve me. I have offered grace to others I have not offered to myself or received. I have heard myself say things that went unheard by people who were close to me. I have judged myself for not saying it correctly or not being on the same page with everyone else. I have judged myself for being different or feeling different or for asking too many questions and not being compliant. I have judged myself for having feelings.. Who has those anyways? Ugh... this being human thing is so dang hard. And I judge myself for being human and finding it so dang hard. I don't need god to judge me because I'm so busy doing it for myself. I'm creating and living in my own self inflicted hell.
It is interesting to me to be leaving this sweet post from Ram Dass on Self Judgement here today. A year ago today I returned from a trip to Maine where I visited someone very dear to me who held me and listened - she listened as only a true friend can do - a friend who has loved me as I am in all my imperfections and I have loved her in hers.
My trip to Maine started me on a totally new way of being in myself - a way of being that allowed typos, released relationships and obligations, released unwanted expectations heaped upon me that I didn't ask for, and most of all - a release of self judgement that I need to work harder on myself and the nasty idea that I wanted to be happy and most importantly the misguided notion that 'one day' everything is going to be perfect. I still have to endevour into changing this way of thinking as it is long entrenched in my way of being. It is a pattern that is difficult to change, but practice makes perfect right? Why not see myself as the phenomena I am? If I am doing my best then that should ALWAYS be enough. If I look in the mirror and I see a reflection of someone who is imperfectly human, but doing their best.. then, I can release my self-judgement. My only job is to do my best. If my best is not enough.. then expectations are too high.. All I want is to be phenomenally content. Today as it rains and I crave the coffee I am about to go make I am completely content.
Be phenomenal - you already are.