In the growing season it is a struggle for me to balance my love wander and my love of growing things.. from inside here the mockingbird was busy filling the air with the song of both the phoebe and the great crested flycatcher (who arrived a few weeks ago). His give away was the repeats and the change of song. The shadows cast from the pine trees outside are my memories of gathering pecans with my family as a little girl. In the growing season wandering simply happens outside my front door, in my greenhouse, in the garden. There is much to see and do and there are new friends to make and old friends to welcome back. Winter wandering is expansive.. it is about space, about rest, and breath.. spring wandering is infinite curiosity, observation, awareness.. it is about activity, life, and growth.
This little patch of earth is the greatest paradox in my life. I long to wander and explore and commune with this precious earth - to see her beauty in all her corners.. to find myself amongst the wild things. Simultaneously I live for the flower season, for vegetable season, for butterflies, hummingbirds.. warblers, nests, spiders, and snakes.. I long for my back to ache from spending time with the plants that grow here and my hands to be rough from the dirt that clings to my pores. I long for the complexity in a silent starlit night and the symphonic satisfaction of cricket song.. The buzz of bumble bees and the yellow of black eyed Susan’s.. I long to bathe in mountain streams and crawl under the mountain laurel smelling the moss and damp earth.. and watch my little plants grow to become food for my family and medicine for my soul. My nature is both nurturer and individual - wanderer and hermit.. seeker and finder.. lost and found.. settled and restless.. I am all all the emotions and all the labels. I do not fit in a box nor do I fit in a circle..
All of my childhood I wanted a bullfrog friend. My mom brought me tadpoles two years that yielded the bullfrog I call Leo. This year, there are three bullfrogs in my small pond. Two are always together and this one is always alone. I no longer know who is who. Last year I could tell them apart due to size. This year, they all look the same. I love having them as neighbors.
(A year in moments)
As every year is this one has been filled with wild places and moments.. adventures and quiets spaces.. children becoming adults, the loss of my grandmother, and the reality that my parents are not immortal. I took up mountain biking, took a new job, discovered more about myself and my needs, and learned to set boundaries and expectations as I move through this profound opportunity called living. I crawled my way out of a deep depression day by day with the help of my husband and my family. Thankfully, I feel more whole than I have in years. I let go of being for anyone else other than myself and found deep connection to life in loneliness and silence. I see the seasons echo themselves in my life, my love, and the way my needs speak to me. I feel a passion for the creativity and self I laid down to fufill the expectations others had of me. I am not looking forward to 2018 with intentions, resolutions, or desires. I am content to let things continue to unfold as it does.. Now is all I have... Moments, Family, and endless love.. That’s enough for me.
This is our first Christmas without my grandmother here in physical form and we miss her. But, her beauty lives on in her Christmas Cactus which is covered in blooms bringing color and life to this season of new family traditions. I also have her favorite amaryllis about to bloom on my dining room table. What a lifetime gift of the love of growing things both of my grandmothers bestowed upon me.