“You know, you should get your mammograms.” Says anyone who has ever had or has breast cancer. My story is short and sweet. But the gist of it is: I have breast cancer. I am going to be okay. I am okay. We have a plan in place. It is scary. This is the best way I could come up with to share this news because there are so many details to the story and it’s hard to tell it over and over when I’m brave enough to not change the subject or look for a distraction that helps me keep my mind off what is happening.
So, my story:
Without the very direct urge from my doctor I ‘maybe’ would have skipped my mammogram another year. But in early October when I went for my regular blood collection, weight discussion, and general health and fitness conversation my doctor reminded me I was well past due on having my yearly mammogram. I’ll be honest, I hate them. They hurt. It doesn’t seem natural to squeeze my boobs between panes of plastic with 25lbs of weight to get an image. Yet here we are. This time around - just like last time - it led to a second mammogram and then on to an ultrasound. The first time it turned out to be nothing other than ‘dense tissue’. The second time it led to me lying in a dark room on a table with a doctor I had met only seconds before telling me they had found something - the location of the mass and that they needed to investigate it further. I was going to have to have a biopsy. It’s a small lump that no home breast exam would have found because it is deep and buried in my ‘extra dense tissue’ - thanks genetics.
My world was rocked at that moment. Never ever have I felt so alone and scared. Never has my mortality meant so much to me as in the days that followed. I will never be the same. I have come to somewhat terms with my diagnosis, but I still cry a lot. It is unimaginably overwhelming. It feels dramatic to admit that but it just is what it is. Who has ever said having breast cancer is a breeze when they get on the other side of it. I like to think I’m pretty tough. Guess we’re going to find out how tough?
I had a biopsy a few days later. and within 48hrs a very sweet nurse called to tell me I have breast cancer along with what dealing with it means. It was go time as there is no time to waste when cancer is on the table. We immediately started scheduling things. You have to get all the tests and pathologies to formulate a plan as quickly as possible - because the waiting for answers is unbearable not to mention you have cancer and what that could potentially mean. Everything was/is changing faster than the speed of light and we were just trying to hold on to get through the holidays.
There have been tears and more tears along with all the questions and fear that comes with the C word. Am I going to die? What type of treatment will I have to have? Will I get to keep my breasts? Will my hair fall out? Will I lose my job? Will I still be able to ride a bike? And if so, when? How will this affect my active life? My mental health? It’s an unimaginable list of ongoing anxieties and sleepless nights that we have kept close while we process and get answers from doctors. I don’t know what we would do without our family, our closest friends, our coworkers. The few people who we had to tell have continued to remind me that I am going to be okay.
I AM GOING TO BE OKAY.
I AM GOING TO BE OKAY.
Thankfully my cancer is only in one breast. The current belief by the doctor and us is that it is treatable. If there's a cancer to ‘have’ I’ve managed to catch the right one. Seems on brand for me.
However, there are still tests that have to be done & surgery to confirm this to all be true. If I’ve learned anything in all of this it is to be patient and let your team get the answers because those answers are the path back to health. It is also a lot of managing emotions and finding patience in the darkest corners of the mind. It is a lot of digging in deep and holding on.
Here is how I see it most of the time. I have unfortunately encountered a roadblock that came out of nowhere. There are a lot of unknowns which seems to be the very nature of the disease. Thank goodness I went for that mammogram. We/I will make it through to the other side because I am loved and because I believe in science.
This morning I am having surgery. If all goes well 🤞🏻I will be left with a few new scars (I currently get to keep my breast), then hopefully radiation and no chemo. This is our current plan for my treatable cancer. There are still so many questions to be answered once the doctors get the full pathology. What we hope we find out is that all of the cells lingering in the tissues of this uninvited pathogen are gone.
So now you know.
The whole World Wide Web.
It’s out there on the table
I am sharing because someone I admire told me he thinks I should. He would know what it means to fight the cancer demon. He’s said he thought it would be cathartic and it has been so far - even just writing this for others to read.
It has been a really tough few months. I know there could be more tough months ahead. If we are anything we are resilient. I am fortunate that it seems like we caught my cancer early - thank goodness for science and the funds that go towards its research. I wholeheartedly believe that I am strong, capable of so much, and that I am loved. I believe I AM GOING TO BE OKAY. I am also still riddled with anxiety and fear. “Two things can be true at once.” (FITZGERALD)
Our loved ones have asked if we need anything to let them know. Here’s what we need: Funny memes and reminders that you’re thinking of us. Invite Jason for bike rides. He has temporarily lost his riding partner and co-adventure seeker/planner for an unknown length of time. He would love to enjoy a big day of roaming around on a bike. I would love that for him. Worldly things we have pretty well under control right now. When we have needs we will be in touch. We welcome your thoughts, your prayers, your candles and all your woo woo magic. Bring on all the funny things to keep our spirits up that you want to send. And, come to my show opening on Jan 16 to give me a gentle hug - I’ll still be recovering but I’ll be there with a big smile, warm heart, and ready to share stories about my work with anyone who will listen.