Me. The forever WIP

I think my favorite thing about creating is the ongoing opportunity to learn.

I am happily still plugging away at this mermaid. I have finally taken the plunge and begun sewing things down.

For weeks I’ve continued to work on what I could while I figured out how I wanted to stitch things and how they would be layered. As I was finishing up a third hibiscus it occurred to me seemingly out of nowhere that I had reached critical mass on the design wall in the shape of little yellow pins.

Something was going to have to get sewn down or putting it all together at the end was going to be very difficult trying to keep all the pieces organized.

I took my photo with the last hibiscus so I could go back to what I’ve accomplished so far and I started taking pieces off the wall. Here is my plug for why documenting is so important. I will go back to these images over and over while I sew things down to figure out the best way to layer them and how I saw it. It takes the guesswork out of the work. And, I’m going to be away from it again for a few days so remembering my intentions will be much harder.

I am still not sure of a lot, but what I am sure of now has stitching over it. Learning to let go and trust the creative process.  Making and remaking until I get it right.

Here’s to the ongoing continuation of the forever work in progress.

#alwayslearning

Curiosity is alive and well

In my studio I am full steam ahead on the mermaid. I find myself more curious than I have been in a long long time.  My process kind of stays the same, but the way I go about things seems to shift and morph more and more.  I think there is a letting go - an exhale - a settling into creating in a new(?) way to work happening as I make.  

I keep finding myself in places where I want the time and space to figure out how to make it the way I think it in my head and moving onto the next step before the previous step is “finished”. I will eventually have to figure something out, but I don’t today.  All I have to do is just keep working on what I can. 

It drives me nuts when something is so simple and I have made it unnecessarily complex with my need to be in control.  Perhaps all those times I have made the note to “Trust the Process” is finally sinking in.  Is it even safe to say such a thing publicly? It could just as easily slip away again..

What is it about this mermaid?  I don’t know.  Maybe it is that her story is one I don’t relate to or maybe I over relate?? I am enamored by an underlying strength she has from the way she sees the world.  She is a mermaid so she lives in the deepest darks of water.  She looks through the darkness to see the light.  I am mesmerized by her.  I feel like I know her and yet I don’t at all.  I find myself sticking my head in the door almost every time I pass my studio. I am insanely curious how she is going to come together.  I am curious about the story she will tell.

I make the pieces. I develop the layers. I pin everything instead of sewing it down. What I realize is that I’m not 100% sure how it’s all going to come together yet.  I want the flexibility to easily change things.  I want the flexibility to change my mind and do something different.  I want to be free of self imposed limitations.  Is that even possible?  

I don’t know whether I like how the grass is coming along.  I don’t yet know if I like the bodice or if it should be a different color..  So I pin it. I play with it.  I test out colors and swatches and then I test out more.  It is wildly exciting to not know what’s next. I can see pretty clearly why this feeling eludes me so often.. it feels reckless and underprepared and it’s got me curious about plans..

In making an art quilt there is a certain amount of release I have to have because I can’t perfectly control the colors of the fabric or how patterns are printed on fabric - I mean I could if I wanted to take up hand dying but even then there is only so much control I can have.  

I intentionally shop for fabrics that mostly read as solids.  The shading that the printed patterns provide or the varying shades in a batik fabric add depth and texture.  There are times I intentionally “fussy” cut a piece, but if I did that for every section I have to cut I would waste a lot of fabric and it would take me FOREVER to make a quilt.

Don’t get me wrong, I do have an overall concept.  I have templates ready to go.  I have planned the greenery and flowers that will surround the mermaid, but I have zero idea how much there will be or what size it will be. If I’m being completely honest it is a little scary to let go. She’s got me entangled in her song for sure. I think about her all the time.

Art is life.

Have a place

Jason and I shared a studio space for many years.  It was a chaotic mess.  His mess was on one side of the room.  Mine on the other.  I can’t even remember really what we made in this place, but I DO know we would listen to music and talk and imagine who we were and who we wanted to be.

Over time it became clear we needed that bedroom for our growing family.  We each found our nooks elsewhere and separate.  I made a colossal mess on the dining room table we seldom sat at.  He huddled up in a corner to draw or try to paint.  We spent more time outside trying to build the most epic homestead ever than making art inside (our garden was a work of art as well).  When we felt a surge to create though we had a place to do it.  

I eventually moved into a corner of our bedroom and made that work for a lot of years - until it didn’t - until my heart was not into it and the creative energy within was needed elsewhere in my life - raising teenagers.  It was difficult to pack up all my fabric and notions and let that part of me sit in boxes for several years (almost 10).  Of course, there was fear I wouldn’t come back to it. That was something I had to accept as I packed it away.  Creating has been a source of escape into my imagination for all of my life.  I decided if I couldn’t create with fiber I could take photos and write.  I could still be intenional about making.

When our kids moved out to begin their independent adult lives one of the first things Jason and I did was make spaces for ourselves to create again, but in a new way.  I went from having my camera and my keyboard to having an entire room brimming with fabric and notions and all the things that would hopefully open my heart again.

In the first ‘real’ manifestation of a studio I had too many things.  My mind was cluttered, I was dealing with loss of so much and my studio reflected that.  I had a lot to let go of - including the burden of our home and land.

When Jason and I moved from our family home I still clung to the what if’s and took too much with me.  My studio in our first rental was more of a closet with a closet than a “studio”. I learned how to make my space functional so I could use it.  I really had to get organized having what I most needed closest with the things I used the least often further away.  I had to figure out how to store things best and where to keep them.  It took time to get everything in a place that made sense. I only compromised with myself when I had to - like leaving things in a cardboard box until I found just the right container at a thrift store rather than running off to buy something new.  Though I do that plenty also - I’m no saint.

As this small room came to life it became clear I still had too much stuff - notions and fabric that came from women who bought them long long ago and passed them onto me.  (I’ve got your number wise women.)

I made that ‘oversized closet’ work for me and because I had to I figured out how to really set up a place that would help me stay creatively productive - which is what matters to me.  I have so many stories to tell.

Our second rental was spacious and bright.  In the second move I purged more than half of my fabric.  I took the chance to get real with myself and let it go.  No need to hold on to things I am not likely to use ‘somewhere down the road’. I decided if I didn’t already have a plan for it and it was in the maybe pile it had to go.  4 gigantic boxes of fabric I gave to a friend.  4 gigantic boxes of fabric filled with stories of fabric shops and adventures on the road to collect fabric.  Turns out, I haven’t missed any of it.  The memories that it held are actually richer in me because they are no longer out of me.  I also purged all the old notions except for a small box.  What is it with us fiber folks that we hold onto to everything??? We ever touch??

What I continue to learn as I intentionally give myself to this place is that I am continually refining and looking at what feeds me.  I am doing my best to listen.  For me, having order allows my creativity to flow more freely.  It doesn’t mean I can’t have chaos. It also doesn’t mean I deny myself anything.  I have an entire room (and closet) filled with the materials that give my song a voice.  

What it means is that when the chaos and disorder are not working - they are causing me to avoid something or I feel guilty because I’ve got a case of the ‘shoulds’ it’s time to put on my girl pants and put things back in their place. I have to take a look at what’s going on in my mind and my heart and where are the barriers to accomplishing what I want to?  Clarity is so messy.

All of this to get to an aha moment.  

This place.  

This creative place is my temple.  It is the space in time where the stories I tell reside most prevalently.  It is where the echoes of shadow whisper and also where the boom of life calls me to live strongly.  This temple should tend me. It needs to be somewhere I want to be.

This intentional place to create - whether it is a studio, a corner, a garden, a small suitcase, a notebook and pen - it needs tending.  It needs attention regularly.  It’s easier - at least for me - to give it attention if everything within it fits into it with purpose.

What’s most important is having a place to create.  Somewhere that is a sanctuary for your imagination.  How you find inspiration and dream in it is up to you.  Being intentional with what is kept and how is ultimately up to what feeds your creativity.  Starting with the place is a good first step.  Being committed to going there (a lot like a sit spot - where I currently sit finishing this up).  Once you have it, committing to cultivating it in a way that feeds you and is easy for you is a great second step.  

A studio doesn’t have to be a room, or a table in a corner, or a closet that has a closet.  It can be a pencil case with your favorite pens rubber banded to a journal.  It could be the camera of your phone.  It could be a shoe box that houses a few tubes of paint and some paint brushes.  Maybe it’s a knife in your pocket and a cool stick you might whittle on later hanging out in your left shirt pocket.  

What I have come to understand is that a studio is a place that you know and can use.  A place you want to use.  

It has to be somewhere or something that is easy to use.  I always take the means to lay down my thoughts on paper.  As much as I like the convenience of typing out my thoughts they are much messier and scattered on paper.  Clarity comes for me without the ability to edit.  I love the idea of small and easy to carry with me which is why I almost always travel with my journal and pens in spite of the additional weight.

In this last move to this version of my studio what I have whittled down mostly to what I use and the things I feel confident I will use.  Would I still manage to get myself to only what I need and use if I had not moved?  I think so, but it would have taken me a lot longer.  I also wonder now that I have a place and won’t be moving again anytime soon will I accumulate again?  Probably. But, maybe with more intention.  And, I like purging.  I know not everyone does.

A studio is nice, but if you don’t have one and the act of creating matters then you find a way - even when you pack up your materials for 10 years.

Be intentional about creating by finding your place.

Guess I’m going to go clean up that closet now.

As a creative

As a creative I feel a certain self inflicted amount of pressure to put things into the world - to make a statement you could say.  Or better, to tell a story the way I see it. To share it in a way that feels safe and raw simultaneously.  There is naturally a part of me that wants you to like it or for it to stir something in you.  In our modern world the way we do this is through producing and sharing content.

It often feels like there are things I could do better to further my career as a quilter and artist.  I could probably produce a lot more content - be in your face more; I could focus more on quilting, tag brands to get noticed.. all the things to help me step fully into being a content creator who gets paid to do what I love.

I get bored fast if I’m only talking about  quilting. I also get bored if I talk about anything for too long.  Even the thought of either gives me this weird tight sensation in my belly like I am sacrificing something in order to have what?  

That’s the million dollar question.

How do I be me, share what I create without it becoming something I have to do, and maybe one day make it - whatever that means.

It’s all a delicate balance for sure. And currently not one I am succeeding at but I’m not here for the easy way.

I have no more shows coming up. The only distraction left is the magazine article in Art Quilting Studio. I am very excited about that. And, with the mental space I now have to think about making again I overcame the hurdle of keeping it simple. I am excited to share the completed ‘Barred Owl in Snow”. (I can’t seem to make it link, but its under the quilt tab if you want to see it before anyone else knows its there.)

i am intentionally taking the next few months/year to be buckled down and home (except for biking). I plan to make and photograph. To LIVE (my word for this year) I am very excited to feel the pendulum swing back towards creation and planting new seeds. It’s time to dig in and grow in the garden of my studio.

Feed the slump

In this time of possibility and fertilization I have been feeling creatively stuck. I don’t experience being stuck very often. I work so slowly that I have plenty of time to build through an upcoming project in my head and excited about creating. And, even though I truly love the process of making something there are pieces of time within creating that the work is repetitive enough for me to dream and ponder, for me muse..

The last month the daily grind has been all consuming. I wonder about the effect the tremendously pollen filled air and my mad rush to be outside has to do with the anxiety to be ready to fully embrace the growing season and to savor every second possible outside before the heat and the humidity has its grasp on me.

I have had a lot of tasks, a lot of to do’s, and a lot of socializing that has kept me busy and away from the comfort of home - away from my studio, the place where my voice lives most proudly. 

Jason and I are still playing catch up on the things that needed attention while we moved and unpacked. Thankfully, like the pollen things are  beginning to settle back into our natural rhythms and beginning to have the brain space to think about future projects and personal growth.

As the pollen around us washes away with rain, my goal during this creative slump is to just try to do something because “some-thing” is better than “no-thing”.  Five minutes here and there and I do my best because at the end of the day I have to live with my worst critic - me.

On a busy spring day, following a hard bike ride or after work and making dinner and watching television with my guy, or taking the dogs for a walk.. those five minutes are hard to find. It’s a lot harder to time when days pass and my connection to the magic gets lost in the noise of surviving.  

What I know and do my best to remember for 5 minutes a day is that creating nurtures me.  It makes me feel like I have purpose and that I am still changing like the seasons - never the same twice no matter how many times around the sun I go. There are somewhat predictable patterns but that’s all they are - somewhat predictable.

5 minutes is looking at photos and drawings for inspiration - googling images I may use later as references.  This could be shading or skies - bogs I might like to mimic somewhere down the road. It could be a Sand Hill Crane mating dace. (Future project???) It can look like watching a YouTube on neat design tips and tools in some of the apps I use for drawing.  Let’s be real here, chances are pretty high I’m looking at reels in my spare time, why not help program the algorithms to feed me the things that actually nourish me - like how I am going to take care of the new Pitcher Plant I just added to my house plant collection and coyotes?  The algorithms live to serve me. 👸🏻

It’s practicing drawing.  Writing.  Taking photos.  Since I want to be outside while the weather is so great I have to go find inspiration in wild places.

It can also be buying fabric - not endorsing unnecessary spending here but sometimes new art supplies encourage me to create.. 

Sometimes it is writing a newsletter bit about how I find my creativity when it is feeling misplaced just so I can remember what I need to do too..

The hardest part of any of these things is showing up for them.  Those 5 fucking minutes that I really just don’t have.  

But, don’t I?

I can find 5 minutes to read the review on Taylor Swift’s new album and all the gossip about the theories behind her song lyrics.  If I have time for that then it stands to reason I probably have time to wander around my yard to find something interesting to take a photo of.  What I lack is the discipline to do so. Ouch. That stings.

Personally, I fear lacking the discipline and the way the “should’s” make me really feel, so I figure it out. Honestly, I think my discipline is just the emotional baggage the should’s give me.  8hrs of sleeping like a dead person and I’m like a new woman ready for a new day.  If it keeps those gremlins outta my over busy mind then I will do whatever I have to.

My pencil has to stay sharpened even when I don’t feel like it or when I feel like it isn’t good enough or when I feel like “I” am not good enough.  These things are not unique to me. They happen to everyone. I could have the best job in the whole entire world. There will still be days I wish I could and something else - be somewhere else. We all experience days when motivation is low and we want to stay in bed all day.  It is so hard.  Sometimes I just don’t wanna.

I can’t stand the feelings that come with wishing I would have done something differently. So I tricking myself into finding time in my studio. I make a list of things to look for and I look for them. When I realize I’ve just wasted a ridiculous amount of time on something that doesn’t actually make my day/me better before scrolling up I either log off or I search for sandhill cranes or houseplant videos.. I give myself grace and refocus on  the things that call me back to me.  The google image searches in the bathtub.  The journal planning.  Maybe some fabric buying and houseplants - I always need at least one more.  Writing newsletters.  Taking pictures.

My faith is in the process.

My faith is in me.

At the end of the day I am all I have and I have high standards and big shoes to fill. I ask myself, “Did I do my best - even if I fell a little short?” And if I did not, then I try harder tomorrow with the tools I have or I try something different by trying to learn a new skill - like the ongoing process of training the monkey mind. I’m here for it.

Lessons in Doubt

I am continually surprised when I let go of my expectations of how magic just happens.  It has been a long few months of ‘doing stuff’ at a time of year when we should be inward, mending, and dreaming.  Life does not tend to go the way we think it will or the way we plan.  Letting go and allowing things to settle naturally has made our home feel like home.  

It has taken a minute to feel settled and reconnect with the creative place within me.  I can craft just to be making - just to keep my hands from being idle.  I prefer a more intentional relationship with the creative process.  As much as I want to step into my flow everytime I work, that is not possible - at least it is not for me..  I find ways to trick myself to stay connected to the things that matter to me.  I intentionally have lamps with houseplants under them that have to be turned on daily.. Just so I have to go into my studio and look around.  Some mornings before work I head off to work I just sit in my studio to remind myself that it waits patiently for me.  Those days I just sit in my chair for a few seconds and gaze out the window at the bird feeders.

Most recently, my creative rhythm is settling back into its natural balance with the onset of Spring.  The piece I have been working on was testing my resolve to trust the magic.  It seems to be a natural part of my process to reach a point where I doubt that what I am making is going to turn out the way I imagine it is.  I am painfully afraid of it sucking.  I worry about having to start over or move on from a concept.  The challenges often feel like they outweigh the rewards when this stage of doubt settles in.  I get frustrated.  The voice in my head that tells me I am not good enough is so loud.

I wish I better understood the part of me that just keeps pushing onward.  The part of me that looks at the data of having already put so much effort into something that I can not walk away from it.  I think the wisdom keepers call it a “glutton for punishment”.  There is definitely a part of me that enjoys being miserable in my thoughts.  Here is the thing about this misery though.. Deep down I know it is temporary - like most things and that it only has my attention when I give myself over to it. 

The same part of me that pushes me uncomfortably forward knows that these feelings won’t last.  This is where the intentional nature of creating comes in and plays its part.  It doesn’t matter whether what I make is beautiful.  It doesn’t matter whether I have spent 80 hours or 200 hours on something.  The process of learning will stay with me. The practice is the path.  I will keep trying. Or I will adapt and do something completely different.  I have to show up - even on the days I don’t want to or I “don’t have to time” because somewhere within me - in a place I do not understand - it matters to me.

The only thing I have control over is me.  I am the only variable in my creative life.  If it matters - if it truly means something to me - I have to show up and participate.  Self doubt is just part of the process for me.  Doubt asks me to take a hard look at myself and the things that are most important to me and if it is truly worth it to me I will persevere and stay in the muck to see it through.  This stage of doubt seems to bring me back to the intentional process and the remembering that I make art for me.  I make art because a voice within calls me to be comfortable with being uncomfortable and to let go… let go… let go… 

Dreaming Forward

January is often filled with setting intentions for the coming months ahead - at least it is for me, but intentions go nowhere without a plan to make them happen.  As a goal oriented and shamefully overly organized person I try to take time to figure out not only what I want to accomplish in the coming months, but also how I will achieve my goals.  It also means setting some time aside to do it.

For me, this means setting reasonable timelines and then setting incremental steps to achieve those goals.  Easier said than done I know.  Breaking down lofty goals into small digestible bits helps make the tasks feel more accomplishable while also choosing to live a busy daily life. I have to be willing to take the time to figure out what the first step is and whether I actually want to do something really or not. I often fail to accomplish most of them or they evolve and change as I go. I choose to stay open to the flow and steer when it seems I need to.

As most of you know, I keep myself organized in an art journal.  It’s a “bullet journal” of sorts, but it works for me.  What it really does is help me hold myself accountable for the things I want in my creative life.  Keeping it maintained keeps me focused on what is important to me.

For this coming year I’m working towards settling into establishing some new rhythms to help me write more and balance the work side my creative life more fluidly - I’m still working on the steps it will take to accomplish this task.

I have a two page spread in my journal I call Dream Big. It is marked with a tab for easy access.  My Dream Big page is broken out into 12 months at a glance.  Each month I give myself no more than 4 tasks and no less than 1 task to accomplish.  This way the goals stay achievable without also becoming overwhelming.  Sometimes the task is hanging a show.  Sometimes it is drafting an email that could end in rejection.  Sometimes it is as simple as getting items together for a project I want to make down the road or dreaming up a newsletter.  Some months the task is to rest and reset.   I hesitate to use the word self-care, but for me it is.

Do I really have to put rest on my calendar?  Yep.  I use rest time to evaluate what’s going and whether it is working or not. “Rest breaks'' help me stay balanced. They remind me to take time to assess what really matters to me and I am keeping those things at the forefront of what I am doing in my life. I have to have them on the calendar and plan for them or else I will bulldoze right over them and add more stuff to my schedule. Anybody else do that?

Thus, I write in pencil -  so I can erase and change things when the winds blow from a different direction.  

Adaptability is a necessary trait to thriving and surviving.

Less noise helps.

Diversity is the key to a healthy habitat.

Being organized in a place that holds most of my thoughts and dreams creatively helps me to not get lost in the static. I have to find ways to stay awake or else I forget what matters to me most simply trying to survive being a human.

Meanwhile.. 

In my studio I am knee deep settling into my last new place for a while.  For those of you who do not know we bought a lovely little ranch home on a dead end in Mayberry - I mean, Winterville, Georgia.  Turns out we are not city folk. I think only we were surprised by that. Thought let’s be honest were we really?

We have been swallowed by boxes for weeks. We are now nesting into our new home and getting the boxes unpacked.  We are dreaming new dreams and polishing old ones.

During this time while most of my tools are waiting for me I’ve been thinking about the seeds I am sowing for 2024. I have chosen the word LIVE. I’m not sure what it means to me just yet. I don’t ask too many questions when the gut speaks.

Even amidst all this planning and goal setting I have a couple of cool things to share.

I have a show that has opened at the Art+Athletics Gallery. It is a privately owned gallery. If you would like to make an appt to see my works the owner and curator is happy to coordinate that. I will be having a closing reception on April 13 from 4-6pm.The gallery is off her home so she does not publicly give the address.  You can contact me via email and I will be glad to pass that information to you.

In VERY exciting news, I am going to be a featured artist in Art Quilting Studio - June 2024! I haven’t shared this information publicly yet.. so if you have made it this far reading you are one of the first to know!!

Stay tuned!

I think it is going to be an interesting year.




Planning

It’s not the first time I’ve shared my art journal here.. having a full time job and life keeping up with myself can be a challenge. Over the last few years I have developed this little book to track my expenses, time, plan posts, keep up with my ideas and notes I don’t want to forget - like which font I used on my notecards or the size and thickness of the paper for my photo prints.. it’s all in one place and easy to go back to. And the notes at the end of a productive day help A LOT when im away from my studio for several days. It takes me way less time to remember what I was thinking because I wrote it down.. and it gives me a place to collect stickers! Who doesn’t love stickers!!

Slow and steady

It’s funny to think I put all this effort into the grass and you can barely see it. But, as I sew the thistles down I will be layering more grass in and around them which will pull that detail back out into view.

Slow and steady.. be intentional.. the details matter - at least to me.

Thistles have my heart

I have made some challenging things over the years. Ample practice at making tiny pieces to create depth. These thistles have my heart, my hands, and my mind. The piecing is tedious to say the least. Some pieces are less than a 1/2 inch long and wide. I day dream about having my hands sticky with fabric glue and green fabric.. peeling snipped ends off my scissors.. the coming together of the flower bracts..

Wool Roving - a throwback

I started really playing with wool roving on my art quilt Swan in 2013 to create the texture the center of a poppy has. It’s pretty cool to go back and look at the ways my efforts then to create layers and depth play into what I create now.

Photos by @chadosburnphotography

Time to make the thistle

Time to make the Bull Thistle.

Now that I have most of the grass layer made I have decided to thin the thistles a little so the Wild Turkey doesn’t get lost into the background too much.

I could easily stop where I am at and finish it up, but then I would be missing capturing a turkeys personality to its fullest.. and well, we can’t have that.

Turkeys are shy. To see one is a gift. They don’t stand out, but they are bold and they are beautiful with their holographic green feathers and their peacock like tail feathers. And let’s not forget that sexy snood!! (Snood 😂😂😇 - I am so easily amused.)

When I start a project I have a general idea of how it’s going to go. For me, the most important part of creating and living aside from loving is adapting. Growing and allowing things to change when they need to.

Sooooo excited about the thistles! This might be my favorite piece my hands have made thus far.

Moving on to thistles

I still have a few grass spaces left to fill. You would really have to be looking to be able to see them, but I see them..

For now I am moving on to the thistles. Once I have those underway I will be better able to decide how to best finish up the grass..

Stay tuned!

Safety pins

Safety pins.

I feel weird about them. I rarely use them - you know, that whole leaving holes in this masterpiece I’ve painstakingly poured my heart and soul into for endless amounts of hours - but, they sure are awesome when I’m turning fabric under my sewing machine compared to the ultra thin quilters pins that leave a much smaller hole - that I try and try again to use.. the pins whose points aren’t covered and stab me over and over no matter how hard I try to avoid them when sewing a big piece down. Maybe as I write this I am a changed woman? And I WILL embrace the safety pin? What say you social media experts? What do you use for basting?? Tell me all your secrets please!