I am continually surprised when I let go of my expectations of how magic just happens. It has been a long few months of ‘doing stuff’ at a time of year when we should be inward, mending, and dreaming. Life does not tend to go the way we think it will or the way we plan. Letting go and allowing things to settle naturally has made our home feel like home.
It has taken a minute to feel settled and reconnect with the creative place within me. I can craft just to be making - just to keep my hands from being idle. I prefer a more intentional relationship with the creative process. As much as I want to step into my flow everytime I work, that is not possible - at least it is not for me.. I find ways to trick myself to stay connected to the things that matter to me. I intentionally have lamps with houseplants under them that have to be turned on daily.. Just so I have to go into my studio and look around. Some mornings before work I head off to work I just sit in my studio to remind myself that it waits patiently for me. Those days I just sit in my chair for a few seconds and gaze out the window at the bird feeders.
Most recently, my creative rhythm is settling back into its natural balance with the onset of Spring. The piece I have been working on was testing my resolve to trust the magic. It seems to be a natural part of my process to reach a point where I doubt that what I am making is going to turn out the way I imagine it is. I am painfully afraid of it sucking. I worry about having to start over or move on from a concept. The challenges often feel like they outweigh the rewards when this stage of doubt settles in. I get frustrated. The voice in my head that tells me I am not good enough is so loud.
I wish I better understood the part of me that just keeps pushing onward. The part of me that looks at the data of having already put so much effort into something that I can not walk away from it. I think the wisdom keepers call it a “glutton for punishment”. There is definitely a part of me that enjoys being miserable in my thoughts. Here is the thing about this misery though.. Deep down I know it is temporary - like most things and that it only has my attention when I give myself over to it.
The same part of me that pushes me uncomfortably forward knows that these feelings won’t last. This is where the intentional nature of creating comes in and plays its part. It doesn’t matter whether what I make is beautiful. It doesn’t matter whether I have spent 80 hours or 200 hours on something. The process of learning will stay with me. The practice is the path. I will keep trying. Or I will adapt and do something completely different. I have to show up - even on the days I don’t want to or I “don’t have to time” because somewhere within me - in a place I do not understand - it matters to me.
The only thing I have control over is me. I am the only variable in my creative life. If it matters - if it truly means something to me - I have to show up and participate. Self doubt is just part of the process for me. Doubt asks me to take a hard look at myself and the things that are most important to me and if it is truly worth it to me I will persevere and stay in the muck to see it through. This stage of doubt seems to bring me back to the intentional process and the remembering that I make art for me. I make art because a voice within calls me to be comfortable with being uncomfortable and to let go… let go… let go…