In this time of possibility and fertilization I have been feeling creatively stuck. I don’t experience being stuck very often. I work so slowly that I have plenty of time to build through an upcoming project in my head and excited about creating. And, even though I truly love the process of making something there are pieces of time within creating that the work is repetitive enough for me to dream and ponder, for me muse..
The last month the daily grind has been all consuming. I wonder about the effect the tremendously pollen filled air and my mad rush to be outside has to do with the anxiety to be ready to fully embrace the growing season and to savor every second possible outside before the heat and the humidity has its grasp on me.
I have had a lot of tasks, a lot of to do’s, and a lot of socializing that has kept me busy and away from the comfort of home - away from my studio, the place where my voice lives most proudly.
Jason and I are still playing catch up on the things that needed attention while we moved and unpacked. Thankfully, like the pollen things are beginning to settle back into our natural rhythms and beginning to have the brain space to think about future projects and personal growth.
As the pollen around us washes away with rain, my goal during this creative slump is to just try to do something because “some-thing” is better than “no-thing”. Five minutes here and there and I do my best because at the end of the day I have to live with my worst critic - me.
On a busy spring day, following a hard bike ride or after work and making dinner and watching television with my guy, or taking the dogs for a walk.. those five minutes are hard to find. It’s a lot harder to time when days pass and my connection to the magic gets lost in the noise of surviving.
What I know and do my best to remember for 5 minutes a day is that creating nurtures me. It makes me feel like I have purpose and that I am still changing like the seasons - never the same twice no matter how many times around the sun I go. There are somewhat predictable patterns but that’s all they are - somewhat predictable.
5 minutes is looking at photos and drawings for inspiration - googling images I may use later as references. This could be shading or skies - bogs I might like to mimic somewhere down the road. It could be a Sand Hill Crane mating dace. (Future project???) It can look like watching a YouTube on neat design tips and tools in some of the apps I use for drawing. Let’s be real here, chances are pretty high I’m looking at reels in my spare time, why not help program the algorithms to feed me the things that actually nourish me - like how I am going to take care of the new Pitcher Plant I just added to my house plant collection and coyotes? The algorithms live to serve me. 👸🏻
It’s practicing drawing. Writing. Taking photos. Since I want to be outside while the weather is so great I have to go find inspiration in wild places.
It can also be buying fabric - not endorsing unnecessary spending here but sometimes new art supplies encourage me to create..
Sometimes it is writing a newsletter bit about how I find my creativity when it is feeling misplaced just so I can remember what I need to do too..
The hardest part of any of these things is showing up for them. Those 5 fucking minutes that I really just don’t have.
But, don’t I?
I can find 5 minutes to read the review on Taylor Swift’s new album and all the gossip about the theories behind her song lyrics. If I have time for that then it stands to reason I probably have time to wander around my yard to find something interesting to take a photo of. What I lack is the discipline to do so. Ouch. That stings.
Personally, I fear lacking the discipline and the way the “should’s” make me really feel, so I figure it out. Honestly, I think my discipline is just the emotional baggage the should’s give me. 8hrs of sleeping like a dead person and I’m like a new woman ready for a new day. If it keeps those gremlins outta my over busy mind then I will do whatever I have to.
My pencil has to stay sharpened even when I don’t feel like it or when I feel like it isn’t good enough or when I feel like “I” am not good enough. These things are not unique to me. They happen to everyone. I could have the best job in the whole entire world. There will still be days I wish I could and something else - be somewhere else. We all experience days when motivation is low and we want to stay in bed all day. It is so hard. Sometimes I just don’t wanna.
I can’t stand the feelings that come with wishing I would have done something differently. So I tricking myself into finding time in my studio. I make a list of things to look for and I look for them. When I realize I’ve just wasted a ridiculous amount of time on something that doesn’t actually make my day/me better before scrolling up I either log off or I search for sandhill cranes or houseplant videos.. I give myself grace and refocus on the things that call me back to me. The google image searches in the bathtub. The journal planning. Maybe some fabric buying and houseplants - I always need at least one more. Writing newsletters. Taking pictures.
My faith is in the process.
My faith is in me.
At the end of the day I am all I have and I have high standards and big shoes to fill. I ask myself, “Did I do my best - even if I fell a little short?” And if I did not, then I try harder tomorrow with the tools I have or I try something different by trying to learn a new skill - like the ongoing process of training the monkey mind. I’m here for it.